This essay was a stream of consciousness on Twitter. I hope it makes some sense and maybe resonates?
Having believed gender is a socially constructed and completely arbitrary thing for years, but never courageous enough to say it until recently, has made me feel alien. I do not prescribe to gender because it is not a logical scenario to put myself in. I don’t know what that makes me? Except me. Does it even matter? Do people care at all what the fuck I am?
Furthermore, as everyone still sees me as a man, or labels me male, I think that is entirely lazy. Even almost the so called “woke” people, a term I am not fond of, I’m just lumped into how they view me based on my appearance. So, because of this, it is hard to see myself as a part of any community. This is why I tend to be alone, staying away. People put people they love in boxes too. These labels are constructed nonsense, in my most humble opinion.
I am a human being. I am a complex one, with distinct positive and negative traits. The labels given to me are wrong, because they aren’t real, just what’s used to make everyone feel comfortable. Truth be told, I’m not comfortable being called anything that is a “norm”, because that’s not who I am, I’m not the norm, I’m me. I dont have any personal preference to pronouns, but tell me yours, I’ll use them, I just want to be myself.
What I know I am is that, I’m messy, im confusing, I’m hypocritical and I’m a bit of a chameleon. I like to move, stay fluid, and not be rooted in anything ir anywhere. I hate being boxed in or told who I am supposed to ve, but who does? I have illnesses, that’s logically explained by my doctors, and I am recovering from addiction, logically explained as well.
But as for gender, all this “being a man” stuff or whatever the fuck it’s called, that’s just nonsense to me. I was born, was assigned my sex, and was raised a certain way. that wasnt my choice, just the way society works. Oh and I have a penis, but so what? I’ve never felt part of the male community, the norms, or the expectations.
That being said, I have never felt that I was female, though I tend to have more female plutonic relationships than male. Im not gay, but I’m not bi-sexual either. Pansexual perhaps best fits my sexual orientation, because it’s not about sex completely. I’m attracted to women, because they are beautiful, but I also find some men very attractive, tho I’ve never had a sexual relationship with one. I’ve had emotionally intimate relationships with bith sexes which is far more rewarding. Honestly, I’ve not had sexual relationships with very many people at all, and while I have sexual thoughts, as is normal, I don’t crave physical sex. I could live without it, I mean it’s easily taken care of by myself. Simply put, I like humans, and sex is pretty much inconsequential.
I am not sure what any of this means except, I guess, don’t assume because I’m big, have tattoos and dress a certain way that I’m anything in particular. If you are wondering who I am? I am Jeremy, im a fellow human being, an artist, a poet and a friend, I suppose? I’m just me. I’m not your stereotype, enemy, or scapegoat. I’m not your boxed up, homogenized, and labeled commodity. I’m just me and you can either accept me for me or you can leave me alone. That choice is yours. I’ll still be here, doing my best to stay here.